RUNNING DIARY OF WATCHING THE BEARS GAME:

FIRST QUARTER:

12:55 - I've got my beef jerky, cran-grape juice, and I'm wearing my Benson jersey (to help the Bears' offense). I'm ready.

1:05 - Kickoff. Touchback. Meh.

1:07 - Jones dances behind the line, drawing a string of criticism from me...until he breaks through the line for a first down. I'll be quiet for a while.

1:09 - Jones with another first down run. He's running MEAN today...like me, in the dodgeball semifinals two years ago. Championship!

1:11 - Grossman's first "lucky" play of the day is a big completion to Davis! I'm up and clapping. I feel like such a loser watching games by myself, but come on, how can you not get amped up for that?

1:13 - Touchdown! I told you he's running mean today.

1:17 - The commercial for Grolsch beer is awfully similar to the Heineken "Pussycat Dolls" commercial. Plus Grolsch looks like it should be the name of an alien from a story I wrote in 8th grade. I didn't write it, but you can imagine what it would be like if I did, right?

1:20 - Here's one that bugs me. When a team is punting from your half of the field, why not send an all-out block? The best you're going to do is a fair catch, so why not send everyone?

1:22 - Coming back from commercial, Fox shows the view from someone driving under the L. This brings back a traumatic memory from my past, as I once lied to my parents about spending the night at a friend's house when a big group of us spent the night in Chicago. We were about three inches away from a serious car accident the next morning, which would have been a tough one to explain to the P's.

1:27 - Grossman almost fumbles, but it's ruled an incompletion. Wow, normally he fumbles a snap and recovers it (see: first three games of the season), but maybe this is a good omen as well.

1:35 - Did that woman say she logged on to WebMD because her daughter "bumped her head?" Do you really need to look online for advice on how to treat that? Seriously? Shouldn't that be part of the pre-conception licensing?

1:38 - I don't know why our D-line would run a twist on 3rd and 4, unless we actually WANTED to give up a touchdown.

SECOND QUARTER:

1:42 - Grossman with all day to throw...he has Berrian deep...TOUCHDOWN! I revert to an animalistic state to celebrate, ululating uncontrollably. Oh, except that animals probably don't care about football. Well, maybe playoff football.

1:46 - In real time, Urlacher looked like A-Rod effeminately knocking the ball away. On replay, I couldn't check, as I was too busy being impressed by Chris Harris's ridiculous leaping ability. He was parallel to the ground!

1:49 - Benson is in now, finally rendering the power of my jersey effective...nice little run there.

1:55 - Joe Buck displays his second grade knowledge of fractions when discussing spike length.

1:58 - The Wendy's commercial - the one where the guy on the right is eating a tiny meal - well that's just a terrible commercial.

1:59 - If you were looking for proof that the team doesn't support Benson, watch him on a hard run to the right, get tackled by seven guys...and then the ref is the one to help him up. Where was his offensive line on that?

2:07 - Hester with his second bobble. I said at the beginning of the year that he would cost us a game (as well as win us one or two). I don't want that game to be this one.

2:10 - Grossman fumbles, followed by Alexander finally getting on track...ugh...I want some donuts.

2:14 - Alexander touchdown. I grit my teeth for what is sure to be a long game.

2:16 - NASCAR commercial. I just watched Talladega Nights last week, and I am still kind of surprised they didn't do a movie about Daytona. But "Daytona Nights" is probably either an adult movie from the 80's...or an adult movie actress from the 80's.

2:20 - The quick throw to Davis cracked me up. That would pretty much be my NFL passing style...just throw it as quickly as possible.

2:23 - It can't feel good to have your flag fall out of your pocket.

2:26 - 4th and 1...why are we not sneaking? Wait - TOUCHDOWN! Yeah! Awesome blocking by McKie, as he took out two defenders.

2:30 - Halftime.

THIRD QUARTER:

2:44 - As much as I like Pam Oliver, I miss Melissa Stark.

2:49 - Briggs with a big hit. I can't believe we're going to end up letting him go after the season. Before 2001, we re-signed Holdman and let Colvin go, and I think we're going to end up the same way with Hillenmeyer and Briggs. I think we're keeping the wrong one. Prove me wrong, Hunter. Prove me wrong.

2:50 - Brown kicks a field goal. Dang.

2:58 - Remember when we could block somebody? How do we give up two sacks in three plays?

3:04 - So, uh, someone gonna cover Deion Branch? No? I guess not.

3:07 - Alexander has enough room to leave the stadium, get a truck, walk it back onto the field, then drive it through the hole in the center of the Bears' defense. Ugh.

3:12 - Desmond Clark, welcome to the game!

3:13 - I am furious they have abandoned the run...until the 20-yard completion to Berrian. I'll be quiet now.

3:18 - Gould puts it up...no, wait...signal for false start, but pointing to the defense. "Defensive player, making the move." Well, it's no "giving him the business, " but I'll take it.

FOURTH QUARTER:

3:23 - The shot of Jones's eyes looking back and forth is okay, but it's not going to replace Singletary's.

3:24 - Interception. Frick! So the defensive player making the move penalty cost us three points and...Manning interception! YEAH! I should type faster!

3:26 - I'm surprised PETA hasn't complained about the Loch Ness commercial with the Toyota truck. The guy yelling "Shoot it! Shoot it!" seems like something that would cheese them off.

3:29 - Berrian drops one going across the middle. Joe Buck blames Grossman (lousy media-types!) and Aikman blames Berrian, then blames Grossman. This is a parallel to Aikman's career. As a QB, he naturally blames the receiver for any dropped passes, but as a lousy media-type, he has to blame Grossman.

3:35 - Big sack for Ogunluye! Say, remember those old Woody Woodpecker cartoons about the Goony Bird? He couldn't fly...always had crazy crashes...good times. GOONY BIRD!

3:36 - Hester bobbles ANOTHER one...wait...he's still inbounds! Joe Buck sees the flag. Well, that was a lot of fuss about nothing.

3:42 - Who runs a toss on 3rd and short? The Bears do. And surprise of surprises, it works!

3:47 - Gould sneaks one in around the upright. Vinatieri Vinaschmieri. We've got Gould!

3:54 - I'll be standing up the rest of the game. This is tense...third and one...give to Alexander...EAT IT! BOOYEAH! Oh, I'm going to throw up!

3:57 - 4th and 1...give to Alexander...YEAH! AAAAAAAHHHHHH! BIG STOP! I am SO GLAD I don't have any NEIGHBORS! WOOOOOO!

3:59 - Play of the game - Jones knocks the ball away from the D-lineman. Whew. That would have been disastrous.

4:03 - So, uh, someone want to tackle Alexander? Seriously, guys. Seriously.

4:07 - SACK! Tank Johnson pulls out one of his 928 guns and SHOOTS HASSELBECK! That was amazing!

OVERTIME:

4:09 - I can finally sit down for a minute.

4:11 - You know, Burleson has killed us all game...now would be a great time for a fumble.

4:12 - Or not.

4:17 - Could we block somebody? Grossman sacked. Might as well punt now.

4:18 - SHIED! WHAT A THROW AND CATCH! We're almost in field goal range!

4:21 - Gould's kick. My thought is "If we miss this, we're screwed." Kick is up - my phone is ringing - the kick is through! IT'S GOOD! I go crazy, throwing my phone across the apartment! Screaming, crazy! OH, THIS IS TOO MUCH!

4:22 - On my cell phone with a friend back home...Oh, this is too much. I can't breathe.

4:26 - I listen to the call of the game-winning kick through the web and almost cry. It's nice to have a playoff win. Go Bears.