ON DEFENSIVENESS

I have taken a lot of criticism over the past few weeks. Some of this criticism has been work-related, some personal-related. That's fine - it really is - but what is less fine is the response to my response.

"You're getting defensive!" is a common retort (to my common retorts).

Well, duh. Of course I'm getting defensive. Isn't defending oneself the RIGHT thing to do when facing something like this? When it's a free exchange of ideas? For example, if someone tells me that the color blue is ugly, but I like the color blue, should I just capitulate and agree that blue is ugly? Of course not, that would be silly.

So I defend myself and my stances on different things, from actions at work to feelings in my personal life. I then proceed to get scolded for being defensive. What? It really seems like these people just want me to agree with what they are saying without hearing my side of things. Maybe that's the case, but it's a lousy case to be. I should be able to express why I think, feel, or act the way I do without being called defensive.

Put it this way: I have a right to my ideas and feelings. They are like (in this analogy) a hundred dollar bill. If someone tried to take my hundred dollar bill, I would try to defend it (probably ineffectively, but I would try). I wouldn't be called defensive for that.

I think the problem isn't being defensive. The problem, it would seem, would lie in lashing out at someone who is criticizing you. Not being defensive, but being offensive (I'm thinking of the sports definition and not the "this offends me" version). To continue my outstanding hundred dollar bill example, the problem would be me continuing an assault on that person after they stopped trying to take my money. Or even responding in an excessive manner, such as slashing their tires and lighting their grandmother on fire. Those would be problems.

A person should be allowed to defend themselves without receiving further criticism. Unless, of course, I am the one doing the criticizing, in which case...just do what I say.