ON MIDDLE SCHOOL

I have been thinking a lot about middle school lately. About the awkwardness that goes with adolescence. About all the stupid things we did, said, and thought. For your amusement, I present several stupid things that Middle School Brad did:

* I repeatedly asked girls out, fully expecting them to say no. Hoping they would say no, so I could act all put-upon and sad for different girls, who would then pity me and want to go out with me. This strategy never worked...even when I asked out Kristy H 150 times during one class.

* Along the lines of self-pity - I claimed to have kept a list of parties that I had not been invited to. I then used this information to wrangle an invite to Kevin C's party...where I promptly spilled root beer all over the floor. And then to John M's party...where I punched someone in the nose (the strobe light was on!). And then to Kristen B's party, where I did nothing wrong. Probably.

* I wore hockey jerseys all the time. One week in particular sticks out - I remember wearing different jerseys on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, to impress a girl I had lunch with on those days. this would have been okay, probably, if I had ever watched or played hockey. I had never even been ice skating at the time.

* In sixth grade, I wrote a story about skydiving for a vocab assignment that ended with "Splat!" I then wrote another story for a different assignment that had a robot character who said "Bleep" before every sentence. I tried to give myself the nickname "Mr. Bleepsplat." It did not stick.

* A friend had gone to a concert for the band "Slaughter." I thought he had gotten souvenir pictures of the lead singer (Marc Slaughter), and wanted a copy. To kiss up to this friend, I called him "Sir" for a year and a half. I never got the pictures - because he never had them.

Not that there weren't things I was proud of - I remember telling a joke in English class that referenced a Simpsons episode that went over huge (the punchline was "Krusty Underwear.") I made a half-court shot at the end of a basketball game in seventh grade, and the game-winning free throw at the end of a game in eighth grade. Plus I STILL hold the record for "most rejections during one class period."