ON THE NOSE RING THEORY

Now, while I don't have the same low self-esteem I had a few years ago, I realistically realize that I am never going to drive a woman wild with lust. There's never going to be a moment where a woman tackles me and covers me with smooches. I'm not physically built like that. And that's fine. But when I lived in the Mid-South, I did notice one thing...among the girls who were (at least a little) attracted to me, there was a surprisingly high percentage of girls with pierced noses. From that observed phenomenon, Southern Brad developed the following theory:

THEORY: Girls with nose rings love Brad.

Now, I don't know if the piercing releases some chemical in the brain that makes girls attracted to me. I don't know if the small amount of weight just in the right place tilts a girl's head and makes her look at me differently. But it was a real thing...and I have a shocking FOUR examples to prove it. None of whom will be named here, but rest assured, all four are at least biologically female. Probably. Women without nose piercings? Not attracted to me so much. Ergo, theory proved.

Anyway, after this theory was developed and submitted to various medical and psychological and piercing journals, I moved here, to the Northeast. And I found that a LOT of girls here have nose rings, but that not a lot of women are attracted to me. Like many brilliant scientists, my theory had kind of been disproved. However, like many super-brilliant scientists, I was able to refine and revise my theory to adapt it to observed phenomena. So the "final" theory would be:

FINAL THEORY: The type of Southern girl who gets a nose ring is the type of girl who is attracted to Brad.

I have no idea why this is the case, or why I wrote the theory in the third person. Further study is warranted, just as soon as my government grant comes through.