ON BREAKUPS

Last year, I was sitting in my office, working hard as usual (cut to: me watching videos on Youtube and laughing at a cat dangling from a spinning ceiling fan). My RA came in and told me that his Master's program had concluded - mid-February - and that he would be leaving the position a week later. I felt terrible - hurt that he would spring this on me like he did, bothered that he was leaving. I just didn't want to deal with him.

Well, last night, I put in my two weeks' notice in my improv group. It was a difficult decision and a difficult statement to get out. Not because I don't feel it's the right decision for me, but because I feel like I'm hurting other players and the owners of the theater. I don't want them to feel bad personally, it's no grudge there. But I feel terrible, like I am making them feel as bad as I felt last year when my RA left.

This is one of the (many?) disconnects between my heart and my head. It is like a certain bartender I know - I find her attractive and exciting (heart), but I know that there are many many many many ways in which we are not compatible (head) (including the fact that she doesn't like me much at all). Because of this obvious disconnect, things are weird when she's around (although I don't think I've seen her in months, it was the best example I could share).

I felt guilty when I was leaving school each time I've graduated - high school, college, grad school. My head knew it was the thing to do, but my heart knew it would miss my friends, and the time we spent together. Heck, part of this is probably also fear of the future, of the unknown, of leaving what is comfortable and easy.

Getting the head and heart in line takes time, I know this. I have other creative opportunities on the horizon, as well as an new exciting improv group. While these other opportunities won't replace all the positive memories I have from my time with the one I am leaving, I feel I'll become a better person by going through all this. And if I don't, and if I continue to feel bad, there's always this.