ON BUTTERFLY EFFECTS

The situations in the "Reality" portion are true, going in reverse chronological order. The "Alternate Reality" portions are conjecture, based on the "butterfly theory" in which one minor choice can have far-reaching effects. Enjoy.

REALITY 1: I am full after one-and-a-half hot dogs. Because the second hot dog cost an astounding $2.49, I can't help but finish it. Several hours (and one improv show) later, I head out with friends. My stomach gets progressively more upset as time passes, and I end up getting sick in the bathroom of a TGI Friday's. The cute, fun waitress gives me my ginger ale and then offers me Saltines - because that's what she gives her kindergarteners when they are sick. Abashed, I tone down my flirting and leave, alone.

ALTERNATE REALITY 1: I am full after one-and-a-half hot dogs. Even though it's a waste of $1.25, I throw out the extra half. After the improv show, I use the restroom at the theater. We arrive at TGI Friday's and I turn on my goofy suave charm for the waitress, who falls in love with me. We make sweet, sweet passionate love between the dumpsters in the parking lot. She gets pregnant, and the child grows up to cure dyslexia.

REALITY 2: I am prepared to make out with a girl who lives several hours away from me. Since I am in town for another reason, I have a hotel room. She and I have flirted on the phone for months and I am ready to go not ALL of the way, but certainly most of it. Some of it. Okay, part of the way. I mean, she's coming from a wedding, I look handsome, the mood is right...and she develops a ridiculous cough on the way from the reception to my hotel room. The first thing she says when I open the door is "I almost threw up in the lobby." Nothing happens, and I go to sleep, alone.

ALTERNATE REALITY 2: She does not develop this strange cough. The first thing she says when I open the door is "I want to kiss your face!" Despite my fumbling and attempting to only go part of the way, we end up making sweet, sweet passionate love on the bathroom floor. She gets pregnant, and the child grows up to develop a working time machine.

REALITY 3: I am the RA on Duty. Another RA has been stood up by her friends, leaving her literally all dressed up with no place to go. We have half-flirted for months, and I actually say "We should make out!" She agrees, but only if I shut the door. For reasons foggy to me now, I don't get up to shut the door. Nothing happens, and I go to sleep, alone.

ALTERNATE REALITY 3: I get up and shut the door. She practically tears off my scrubs and dirty T-shirt...then shoves me out in the hallway and re-locks my door. I sprint to the bathroom to find something to cover up with, but slip and crack my skull open. As my life slowly ebbs away, I reason that at least no one ended up pregnant.