ON COMPETITION

I was having a conversation with a friend recently and she posed an interesting question to me. She asked if it is harder to adjust to dating someone who is divorced or someone who has a child from a previous relationship. She then called me "Mr. Neutral," a nickname that I never asked for but probably fits.

As I am in my early 30's, I realize that there are a lot of women out there in my age range who got married young, things didn't work out, and they subsequently got divorced. And while I am open to dating them, it's difficult. I feel like a lot of relationships start out the same, and anything I do that I consider sweet or romantic has already been done. (Okay, okay, I'm extraordinary, so it's possible it hasn't been done as well.) For example, if I tell a girl I will love her until the world ends...she's probably heard it before. Even if it's not the same words, it's probably the same sentiment. And the question in the back of my mind would be...does she still believe it? Because I think we have a tendency to doubt something when we hear it, believe it, then find it to be false. Wouldn't our natural disbelief instincts kick in?

As for the wedding itself...if it is the second wedding for her, is it as special? If she's already had a good-sized church wedding, does she want to go through that again? Or is it going to be a skydiving wedding or something equally non-mainstream? Which would be fine, but not...not what I thought it would be.

Now would be a good time to point out that all of these points are moot for me. I'm not dating. Well, unless things work out with the girl from eHarmony...the girl who lives over 1000 miles away. Blerg.

And it's a very-similar-but-very-different situation to date someone with a child. To borrow from "How I Met Your Mother" (on several occasions, I believe), you don't just date that person, you date the child. (Similarly, when you break up with that person, you break up with that child.) Both a divorcee and a single parent have unique issues to deal with when starting a relationship. My friend - who is a woman - opined that a child with her would be less special for the beau, as it would be HIS second child, whereas she would be going through all the excitement and nervousness that go with a first child. And maybe it's different for a woman dating a man who has a child from a previous relationship, but I still think it's similar-but-not-the-same to dating a divorced person.

Ultimately, there's no competition between the two. It's so situational - how is the relationship with the ex? how is the relationship with the child's OTHER parent? for that matter, how do widows (and widowers) fit into the mix? - that it's impossible to say one is harder to date than the other. Ultimately, I suppose when the person is right for you, the rest of the stuff can be worked out.

Mr. Neutral out!