ON PAIN

There's a song by Dream Theater - I think it's called "Space-Dye Vest" - that I really enjoy. Partly because there's a clip from a movie in there (From memory: "He's the sort who can't know anyone intimately. He wants you for possession. Something to look at, like a...painting, or an ivory box. He doesn't want you to be real. To think, to feel. He doesn't love you. But I love you. And I want you to have your own thoughts, and ideas, and feelings. Even when I hold you in my arms..."), partly because it's a good song. But the second set of movie/TV clips in there are what apply to today's post. There's a clip of someone (a newscaster?) talking about OJ Simpson, and the line is "No one can say they know how he feels."

In my early twenties, I had back trouble. I ruptured a disc (how, I'll never know), and the goop inside the disc was squeezing out and pressing on my sciatic nerve, sending pain all the way down my right leg. I was in for an evaluation once and the nurse asked me to rank my pain on a scale of 1 to 10. I said 11, she chuckled, said that "everyone always says 11," made a note of it, and left. But it hurt - a lot, and all the time - and I think that 11 was a fair estimate. And for the nurse to dismiss my feelings like she did bothered me - she can't say she knew how I felt.

I've been having (different) back problems for the past month. Truthfully, I probably need a good "sports massage" to work some deep tissue stuff. And I probably should exercise more. And it's frustrating - yesterday, for example, my lower back was so stiff that I felt like my spine had thickened. I knew this was a symptom of something, but couldn't remember what (my friend Casey suggested gonorrhea, but I'm pretty sure it's opiate addiction). And if I wanted to say something about how lousy I felt...well, no one would really understand that, could they?

Today I was talking with my boss, and she was complaining of neck pain. And I wanted to say "You know, I've been having muscle-related back pain for the past month." (Note: I apparently believe pain is a competition.) But I didn't say it - because I don't know how she feels. Maybe this concept will help me be less judgmental. Maybe.