ON INSOMNIA:
I've never been an easy-fall-asleeper. Similarly, I've never been an easy-waker-upper. But I purchased some memory foam for my bed the other day, thinking the increase in comfort would lead to me falling asleep whenever I get within 15 feet of the bed.

It has not worked out that way.

I don't know if it's that my body is staying up late to fight the last vestiges of my hemiannual cold or what, but I've gotten fewer than four hours of sleep each of the past two nights. And I don't even care about any "health" or "mental wellness" issues that may arise from this - I'm concerned that my mind works well for my improv show tonight (8 pm, Firehouse Theater, Newport, RI).

I am really just looking forward to having the following conversation with someone about my insomnia.

ME: I just can't get to sleep. I've tried everything!
THEM: Have you tried counting sheep?
ME: (pause) I've tried almost everything!

Hackneyed? Maybe. But it will make me laugh. Of course, in real life, it will probably play out differently...

ME: I just can't get to sleep. I've tried everything!
THEM: Have you tried not being such a whiny twit?
ME: (pause) What?
THEM: Yeah, maybe you should stop complaining about not being able to fall asleep. What are you, twelve?
THEIR FRIEND: I could punch you in the face if that would help.
ME: I don't think it would -
THEIR FRIEND: Even if it wouldn't help. I'll still do it.
ME: Thank you?