ON THE SALVATION ARMY

It was the winter of 2003. A younger, slightly-chubbier me was the Executive Assistant Manager at a Walgreens in Lansing, IL. A Salvation Army bell ringer was outside our doors, clanging away. The people of Lansing are generous and kind, so I assume this man was doing very well for the Salvation Army. In addition, there was one beautiful customer that I was in love with, and to me, she represents all that is good about Lansing. Also, she said "Thank you" a lot. I think her name was Suzanne...

Anyways, the Salvation Army guy came in. Because of some previous vandalism, our store manager had made the decision to get locks put on the bathroom doors. Anytime a customer has to use the restroom, they have to get an employee to let them in. It's not a perfect system, but it's preferable to cleaning up someone else's poop. Here is the conversation, EXACTLY AS IT HAPPENED:

SALVATION ARMY GUY: Can you let me in the bathroom?
ME: (jokingly) Why? You've got a bucket out there! (laughs at own brilliant wit) No, of course, I'll let you in.
SALVATION ARMY GUY: *annoyed grunt*

I've made jokes that fell flat before. I will make jokes that fall flat in the future. I didn't think anything of it.

So young chubby me finished working my shift, probably working hard all the way through and not at all slacking in the stockroom. I went to leave - as I walked past the bell ringer, I thought I heard him call me something that rhymed with "brasshole." Could have been anything, right? I ignored it, got in my sweet car, and went to pull out of the parking lot. And in the rear-view mirror, I clearly saw him mouth the swear word that rhymes with brasshole, and give me the finger.

I called my store manager when I got home and told him that the guy had flipped me off and called me that name. My manager laughed and assured me I did rhyme with brasshole, but that he would talk to the bell ringer.

The next day, my manager said that the man had said I told him to go...uh, "spit" in his bucket (rhyming is fun!). I assured my manager that was NOT what I said, and even if I HAD said it, I was obviously joking, so what's the big deal? The manager explained this to the bell ringer, who grunted (again!) and said "Well, he didn't have to say anything at all."

Look, I'm sure there are kind bell ringers. I'm sure there are people who do it out of the kindness of their heart and not because a judge has sentenced them to serve the community for a given number of hours. And I'll give to a charity - I've mentioned the Christian Children's Fund before and will likely do so again. But because of that one surly bell ringer with no sense of humor...the Salvation Army is getting NOTHING from me. I'll hold this grudge forever. Not even a picture of this man holding a baby will convince me otherwise! You hear me, Salvation Army? NOT EVEN A BABY!!!